The bad mommy chronicles

[anastasiav]

(I know, I know ... its ironic, ok?)

I have run out of ways to get this child to do what I need him to do. Getting him into bed is a nightmare. He's now too strong for me to physically control, and tonight he decided he was going to do endless somersaults on the bed instead of get his diaper changed and his PJs on. I tried asking; no dice. Telling: no dice. Threatening a time-out: well, he got the time out, and head-butted me twice during it. Told him he wouldn't have a story: he laughed at me. Physically restraining him: doesn't work -- he's too strong -- and in the process he reached up and pinched me (with both hands) so hard I swore and have a bruise. He's laughing like a maniac the entire time. Still, he's in his dirty diaper and tee shirt. Then he starts pulling out handfuls of my hair. I've had it. I swat him on the hand.

He stops dead and looks at me accusingly: "No hitting, mamma."
He's right, of course. I apologize and kiss his hand.

At this point, I realize this is a weird, abusive relationship dynamic going on where he's hurting me (he really is -- the pinching, the constant kicking, the head buts, the hair pulling) but I'm the one apologizing.

Then the rolling and laughing and kicking starts all over again.

I suddenly say "Goodnight, Evan", turn off the light and leave his room.

Silence. Then he's crying at the gate for me "Mamma, I pooped again". I come in and change his still-clean diaper and get him in PJs and get his teeth brushed and into bed. All the while he's docile as a lamb.

I tuck him in. I give him a kiss and tell him to go to sleep. He can see I'm not going to lie down with him. "Sleep next to me, mamma!" Oh, the crying. "Lay down in the bed."

I tell him I'm not going to tonight, because he's been so naughty. That I still love him more than there are stars in the sky, and that he will always be my golden son, my beautiful one, but that tonight I'm just going to kiss him and say goodnight, because he's been so naughty. I kiss him again. And again. "I love you, Evan."

And I leave the room.

Its silent in there, crushingly silent. I know I've done the right thing but its killing my heart. As he gets bigger, I must find some way to curb this crazy violent behavior he shows towards me. If Josh is home he can stop it with a look, but I cannot. In occasional moments of fear I wonder if there is actually something wrong with him, something beyond being three -- he can be so unbelievably, purposefully violent towards me, especially the pinching and hair-pulling. And kicking.

I just had to get up and get him back to bed. "No one will sleep with me" he cries out over and over. I tuck him back into bed with a bear, and kiss him three times, and say goodnight. He's still crying as I write this; crying like he's hurt himself, like he's fallen down, but I know he hasn't.

I can't believe I hit him, even if its "just" a slap on the hand. I can't believe that I can't find a better way to discipline him than to remove myself from the room. I can't believe this maniacal child is the same as the sweet loving child I read books with and snuggled with yesterday.

I hope something is different tomorrow.

Comments

Pushing boundaries.

[kuzu-no-ha.livejournal.com]

From what I remember from my sister, that is normal three year old behavior.
also...brace yourself... you have a highly intelligent child.
Shocked? oh yeah me, too. heh
It will be harder because his cognitive ability is higher. So give yourself some slack. Regroup. Have some tea. Have a shot of rum. Have a shot of rum in tea. Whatever.

I know you will get better advice from other parents who have actually been through this phase. I'm sorry I can't remember what my mom did, because I was 12 and honestly New Kids on the Block and Ah-Ha were my main focus in life. Also strangely enough Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles *turtle power*.

Then in a couple years you can remind me, too.

But you are not a bad mommy and he's not a bad son.

[baronessmartha.livejournal.com]

smooch.
I don't know what to tell you, but I feel for you.

wait.

[baronessmartha.livejournal.com]

Erin did this too. I can't remember how old she was, but it was hell. I was on the phone with friends listening to her scream and cry and yell emotionally charged things in our 3 room apt. It sucked. I read a ton of child theory at that point so I could focus my anger on someone besides my child and myself. It therapeutic to read some garbage and say "Jesus, I am screwed up, but at least I am not stupid enough to believe your shit". Don't buy books, allow well meaning relatives to buy them or get them from the library.

You are a wonderful Mom. He is a wonderful healthy smart child.

[sileas-1.livejournal.com]

Children will always try to push your buttons to see what kind of response they will get. They learn very early how to get what they want from their parents. It seems like in this case he wanted you to spend more time playing with him. His pinching, hitting, etc is trying to establish dominance. If you don't feel comfortable with spanking, and I understand some parents are dead against it. Whatever you are comfortable with. The answer to that kind of behaviour is to stop what you are doing and say very clearly so that he hears and understands. "That kind of behaviour is unacceptable. I will not allow you to treat me with disrespect". And then you walk away. When they beg you to come back, come back only on the condition that they will improve their behaviour and treat you with respect.
Believe me, parenting is the hardest job you will ever do, however the hardest part of the job is consistency. When you tell your child you will do something you absolutely have to follow through with it. And if the child screws up again you need to follow it with the exact same consequences. Good luck

[goodscagirl.livejournal.com]

I totally agree with this. Walk away once it starts. Don't let him escalate or try to reason with him.

Also three's are brutal and the worst of it.

You did good. Really.

[shalmestere.livejournal.com]

No advice (other than "If you have a familial support network, call on them"), just (((hugs)))

[blinkensopps.livejournal.com]

We would walk away from this behavior as soon as it started - don't let it ramp up.

It wasn't easy, but eventually Dane figured out that his choices caused us to leave.

[anastasiav.livejournal.com]

My one and only hesitation about walking away is this:

he does it because he doesn't want to go to bed. So me walking = him in his room able to do whatever he wants.

I'm concerned that by walking I'm in a lose/lose situation: If I stay, he's defiant. If I leave, he's able to be awake and play for some longer time. But I can't imagine what the third way would be - short of beating him I can't force him to obey.

[evilnicola.livejournal.com]

Is there anyway to remove the most fun stuff from his room? Are all his toys there? If you can have a little stuff as possible, or at least remove his favorite stuff, then walk away.

15-20 min of playing around with books or whatever is left and then passing out may be a better option than 15-20 minutes of fighting and screaming.

[anastasiav.livejournal.com]

The vast majority of his favorite toys are downstairs. Upstairs is mostly books, his set of Pooh beanies, and a basket of fight guys. I need to keep something good up there to keep him entertained when he must be upstairs and gated in (like when I'm home alone with him and taking a shower).

[estela-dufrayse.livejournal.com]

Is that such a bad thing though. He knows it's bed time, he knows he can't come downstairs. But if he stays in his room, by himself, he will eventually get bored and go to bed.

Especially if you don't answer him when he calls to you.

It may take a few days, or even a week or two. He has to learn though that bed time means you leaving him in his room by himself to go to sleep. If you give in to him it will only get more difficult. He listens to Josh with only an eyebrow because he knows Daddy won't give in to his three year old whims. If you are strong, it will pass and you will have a delightful child who gives you as much respect as he gives to his Dad.

You are not a bad parent, you are teaching your child what kind of good behavior you expect from him.

[anastasiav.livejournal.com]

Especially if you don't answer him when he calls to you.

I can't imagine not answering him when he calls. Often I do not go in, but I will always make sure he knows I'm nearby.

[cvirtue.livejournal.com]

He is old enough to know that you are nearby -- this isn't like doing it to an infant who can't understand.

If you must answer him, do it short and unexciting. "I'm here, don't worry, goodnight." Do it from down the hall, where he can't see you, and don't do it more than every 5 minutes; gradually lengthen the time.

Have you tried classical music? That might help too. Especially if it's always the same piece.

[estela-dufrayse.livejournal.com]

he can hear you moving around the house...try just saying "go to bed honey, it's sleep time" and then not answering for a bit when he calls.

He really is just trying to see how much he can get away with from you. You have to set boundaries. You have to have a grown up life with your husband. He has to learn that bed time doesn't mean he gets you all to himself, to do what ever he wants to do...that's what he is doing now.

Set those boundaries, be firm with him. He will respect you more if you set those guidlines now and stick to them. he will love you and know he is loved regardless. If we all can see the love from this distance, he can see it up close.

If you don't start setting those boundaries now, he will be a hellion when he's 16, trust me on that!

[staceyspins.livejournal.com]

I agree with Nikki. Put the fight guys and beanies near the door and when you need to leave him there and walk away grab the baskets on the way out.

Evan will quickly learn that poor behavior=no toys and no mommy.

He will also learn that reading a book by himself and going to bed isn't the end of the world.

You could also try going upstairs for the pre-bedtime routine 15 min earlier. That will allow for the possibility that he may meltdown and you will have to leave.

Can he see you when you leave his room? If so, you may want to go downstairs instead of being in the computer room or your room. It may be better that you are out of sight.

[anastasiav.livejournal.com]

We are already going upstairs nearly an hour before the time I expect he will actually fall asleep. If he's "good" we fill that time up with reading. If he's like he was last night, then it will take an hour + to get him in PJs, brushed, and into bed.

[melinika.livejournal.com]

I agree with this advice. Make sure there's nothing he can get into in his room. Let him have some books and a few toys, and tell him bedtime means go to his room but he can play or read if he wants as long as he's quiet. If you don't go to him when he calls to you, he will learn to go to sleep by himself.

Three is a worse age than two I found. You'll make yourself nuts trying to rationalize with a three-year-old. They SEEM like they get it, but much more often they're just using it to get your attention.

[goldsquare.livejournal.com]

It was good advice.

Think bigger than tonight and tonight's sleep. Think of all the future nights.

Tomorrow (after not going to bed), get him up at the usual time. Remind him that the bad day was from not sleeping. No naps.

You, it seems, are the thing he seeks at night. All the bad behavior WORKS: it gets you to stay. Time out, for him, is No Mama. (I was puzzled that he hurt you in time out. Anna's time out was to be alone. I could see her, she could not see me. I watched her. No Daddy.)

[goldsquare.livejournal.com]

Oh, and I forgot: if he hurts you, leave. No words. "Ow" and leave.

[staceyspins.livejournal.com]

I also agree with this.

Ow and leave. No talking, no kisses, no I love you's. Put him down, walk out.

The more words you use the longer he has you there in the room.

Time out for us is in an empty playpen or on the outside steps if we are in the yard. I have an egg timer that rings when they are allowed to get up or I'm to take them out. The pen is mainly used when Caleb is flailing or being angry floppy toddler. I would rather him be angry and flailing in a contained space :o)

[anastasiav.livejournal.com]

We are unable to get him to sit in an "independent" time out, and our pede says that's not unusual. He's too big for the playpen (climbs right out) and won't sit in a chair alone.

Currently our time-outs are a parent sitting in a chair with E in a our laps "hugged" so he can't get down or turn around, for a minute or so. He actually hates it.

I honestly cannot imagine right now what the process of trying to get him into a "traditional" time out would look like. I think it might take an hour or more to get him in a two minute time out.

[goodscagirl.livejournal.com]

"Currently our time-outs are a parent sitting in a chair with E in a our laps "hugged" so he can't get down or turn around, for a minute or so. He actually hates it."

But this isn't really a time out. It is still attention - negative attention but attention none the less. It is always easier to get negative attention from an adult then positive. I would agree with leaving in his room with 0 toys for his time out with your walking away out of his sight.

Good luck!

[pascual-del-mar.livejournal.com]

He might wind up staying up and playing for a while longer.. then you have a few choices.. either you let him and he will eventually feel the lack of sleep the following day and learn that he doesn't like it.

Or you can move bed time earlier and account for this additional time. It's a tough lesson, but even being just a weekend warrior dad I have learned that the toughest part of being a parent is learning when to use tough love to teach.

I wouldn't be too concerned or hard on yourself for the smack to the hands. I know you are set against hitting. It was you reacting to his inflicting pain on you. He needs to understand that causing someone pain in any form, hitting/ pulling/ pinching is wrong and not to be tollerated. If he doesn't learn this from you, in a few years he will come home and some other kid who won't have your restraint will teach him. (ask me sometime to tell you the story of my son getting thrown out of his daycare center when he was 3)

[shalmestere.livejournal.com]

I get that--I meant someone she could turn to if she gets frazzled and needs a shoulder :-)

[jdulac.livejournal.com]

I second sileas_1's advice. E is very intelligent and since he was born he has been studying you and the world around him. He knows how to work your buttons, to display his dominance (hurting you, making you jump to serve him when he doesn't have any need has no other purpose) and to get you to do what he wants. It's not evil, just the natural workings of a smart kid who hasn't learned his limits yet. He lacks the judgment to be the boss -- that has to be your job. You owe it to him to teach him respect for you as the parent -- if he does not respect you, then how will he learn respect for anyone else in the world?

You might think swatting him was wrong -- not necessarily. But because it was done out of frustration he sensed it was weakness, and turned your rules against you. You don't want him to grow up using his insight as a tool for emotional abuse, any more than you would let him to play with gasoline and matches just because he is curious. You have the better judgment and the duty to exercise it over him. Not to mention that you have the right to be safe, respected, and at ease in your own home.

The best thing is to not reward unacceptable behavior -- that means no matter how he wails and manipulates you emotionally (and like all kids, he is very good at that :)), you do not reward him with sleeping with him, giving him attention, or anything else that undercuts your authority to let him know the rules of engagement with the human race. You have done the right thing. Be strong in yourself. Some woman in the future will thank you.

[BTW I disagree with the advice about not reading books -- if you can get this one I highly recommend it. Suzette Haden Elgin is here on LJ as ozarque]

[baronessmartha.livejournal.com]

I did not mean not to read them, I meant not to take them as gospel and allow them to tell you how stupid and wrong you are.

I like TErry Brazelton, personally.

[cvirtue.livejournal.com]

Somewhere around this age, my kids (twins) would not stay in bed at bedtime. They wanted to play. We tried everything.

Finally, on the advice of another mom with twins, we turned out the lights at the appropriate time, closed the door, and let them play in the dark. Half an hour later we scooped them up from their dragon-hoard of toys (lord knows how they could fall asleep on hard toys!) and put them into their beds. They weren't taking naps at this point, either, so they were tired enough to go to sleep.

I think you should try doing this, and not going back in when he calls out -- tell him you'll check on him in half an hour, perhaps. Possibly turn on a little radio to a music station (classical?) when you leave him in the room and turn out the lights.

Ditto what everyone said about pushing your buttons. And don't fret about your actions so far.

[anastasiav.livejournal.com]

I have tried this with him. He'll stay up for hours.

Also, he can turn on the light in his room by himself, so that doesn't really help. He just turns it back on again.

[cvirtue.livejournal.com]

Does he stay up for hours on day 2, day 3, etc, after being woken at a normal time the next morning? He'll run out of extra energy sooner or later. I think.

Take the light away, if he turns it on.

I know it feels hopeless. I've been there as a mom. But you can outsmart him, you really can, either with suggestions or your own creation-of-plan.

[brazenleigh.livejournal.com]

I read you through other peoples friends pages....

"No hitting, mamma."

this phrase means he understands that hitting hurts...

so what is wrong with you saying"No kicking ,Son" or "no pinching, Son" "no headbuts, or hair pulling " or even simply
"You hurt mamma"

from what I have read in your journal , he is a sensitive and smart child.. letting him know when he hurts you , might just be the ticket to getting him to stop.

As a mom myself, we all have those days when our favorite little people drive us nuts.. I am sure if we ask our parents they will tell us we did it to them too.. and our grandkids will do it to our kids as well.

[staceyspins.livejournal.com]

Caleb pinches or hits me on occasion. When he does this I say "no ______!" and he is put in time out.

Usually his physical behavior is because he wants me to do something that I am not ready to or do not want to do.

All that aside, this is the age of pushing buttons. Be strong, firm and consistent. It hurts to be the one that they don't listen to or the one they beat on. Your not alone.

[palegreyminion.livejournal.com]

I think leaving the room is about the most effective discipline there is for hurting mommy. You're going to hurt mommy? Then you get no mommy until you can act respectfully. I do the same thing with Aeryn. If she's going to be nasty to me, I leave. Yes, it makes bedtime take longer but I will not tolerate being treated like that.

[bunnyjadwiga.livejournal.com]

Pushing your limits and the boundaries you give him is *very* normal and he'll likely do it as many times as it takes to establish what the *real* boundaries are. You'll hate it. It will be very very stressful for you. I'm not looking forward to my tussles with Beekman in the future.

One suggestion I might offer: make it clear that when he hurts you, IT HURTS MAMMA. Cry, if you can. Definitely react with pain. Make sure he sees that HE HURT THE MAMMA. Full scale imitation of Evan-in-pain may be necessary.

I do think you're going to have to endure repeating disciplinary actions that make you uncomfortable in order to make it clear to him that bad behavior has negative consequences that he does not like. Repetition is the key, and consistency. (I live in fear that I will not be able to be consistent *enough* with Beekman. I know I'm not consistent enough with Miss B.)

[ladymacgregor.livejournal.com]

I agree with everyone here about this being a dominance fight. He's pushing to see how far he can go with you. (The Josh eyebrow thing - Josh is a knight, and probably knows all about disciplining young pups, and exactly how far to let them go.) You *must* be the dominant one - some of the most unpleasant children I have seen around are those who have no respect for their parents and do not listen to them. (You've seen them too, in malls and such: "Billy, don't do that. Billy, come here. Billy, don't bother that lady. Billy . . .")

(trying to ask this gently and quietly) It seems that you are extremely uncomfortable with disciplining him. Are you afraid that he will no longer love you if you do?

[anastasiav.livejournal.com]

It seems that you are extremely uncomfortable with disciplining him. Are you afraid that he will no longer love you if you do?

I'm not squeamish about disciplining him. I'm squeamish about walking away from him. My own mother did that, and all I ever took from it was that she wouldn't love me unless I was perfectly good. (My mom and I have a complex relationship for many reasons.) Also, bedtime with him is the only real "quality time" I get to spend with him all day ... normally our chance to snuggle and talk about his day and just be quiet and be together. I do co-sleep with him part of the time, as much for me as for him. With my work schedule (two jobs) I see him very little, and it pisses me off that what small amount of time I do have available to dedicate solely to him is now going to need to be spent in a different room.

[cvirtue.livejournal.com]

It won't take very long (1 week or so, probably, if you are consistent with whatever plan) to get him doing what you need him to do, and then you can have pleasant time with him again.