Your children need your presence more than your presents. ~Jesse Jackson

[anastasiav]

If you've been following this saga, you know that Evan's prior (greatly beloved) care provider, Carol, retired recently and we had to find new care for him. E's first day with his new care provider (Sarah) was on Tuesday, and to say things are a bit bumpy would be an understatement.

Sarah seems like a very nice woman. She has a degree in early childhood education, was an in-home nanny for a local family for about seven years, and now takes care of children in her own home along with her 17-month old daughter, Hannah. She's also the great-niece of Carol, which was an interesting coincidence. I have to confess that I've yet to meet her, although I've spoken to her on the phone -- Josh did the pre-visit to her home, and drops E off and picks him up each day. Maddie, a toddler age friend of E's from Carol's house, is also at Sarah's, which I think was helpful for both of them, to not be in a totally new place with all new babies.

Day one, Evan seemed fine, but refused to nap. Sarah sends notes home every day listing what they did during the day, and her note was charming, including the fact that they went for a walk and saw cows and fish. Hannah is apparently in a hugging phase, and wanted to hug Evan and Maddie all day long. The not napping thing was bothersome, but we figured he'd sort himself out. Very sleepy boy when he got home, and he and I ended up falling asleep on the bed at around 730pm.

Day two was yesterday, and now I'm alarmed. Still no napping, plus Sarah's daughter Hannah bit Evan (on the finger, you can't tell, totally age appropriate). I'm sure this makes E upset, but its something I expected we'd face sooner or later and Sarah seems quite embarrassed. However, Josh learns from the daily log that Sarah keeps that Sarah spanked Hannah for biting Evan. !!!!! Ok, Hannah is Sarah's daughter and she can discipline her as she sees fit; and I'm sure she wouldn't ever use corporal punishment on my son .. but ... but ... she spanked her 17 month old daughter. Not the parenting choice I would expect someone with an Early Childhood education degree to make. Plus, still no napping. Tired, crabby boy came home and was very happy to see his dad when dad came to pick him up at 430 pm.

Today is day three, and so far what we have is that Sarah called Josh this morning to say that E had fallen and bumped his head. No blood but lots of crying and quite a lump. (Why do our heads get lumps when we hit them, anyhow?) She treated it with a cold compress and some snuggles, and he's ok.

But I'm not.

This whole process is killing me. Every day, a little more, I want so very much to be able to be a stay-at-home mommy. Or at least a spends-the-morning-and-early-afternoon-with-the-baby mommy. But I can't sort out how to do it. Quitting the job cold turkey, while tempting, would end up with us living in a cardboard box in Durham, so that's out. I'm searching for a different job, but its slow going making anything close to what I'm making now with the two jobs combined. My current evening job can't increase me to more than 20 hours per week, which won't work. So I see my boy when I can and entrust him to strangers for the bulk of the day. Strangers. Spanking strangers. With toddlers who bite. Grrr.

All you stay at home mommies, I hope you know how totally and completely I envy you. Green with envy I am. Totally green.

Comments

[artisticphoenix.livejournal.com]

I sympathize with your dilemna. I left T and N with daycare and it wasn't always easy. Especially with the first child. Because everything has to be perfect. And back in the day when I did it, the woman who worked and left her child at a daycare was considered less of a mother because of it.

But breathe. Things that happen at the daycare would also happen in your own home. It does seem magnified because it is in someone else's home. And it plays on many buttons and insecurities. But giving this a little time, and yourself some time to come up with a plan on how to be with Mr. E more, will help.

And I'm going to be politically incorrect here. T and N were spanked when they were young. I did believe, and still do believe, that spanking is appropriate at certain times. I guess what I am trying to say is that someone who uses that as a disciplinary measure isn't a bad person per se.

[bunnyjadwiga.livejournal.com]

My mom had an Early Childhood Education degree. She spanked us, specifically when we caused physical pain to another person by a deliberate act. (She also spanked us other times when we put our lives in danger...)

[staceyspins.livejournal.com]

I have always been widgy about in home care providers who also have their own children still at home with them. It's hard for me to think that they would punish their own children differently from those that they care for. Most people have a punishment style and I would be afraid that they would use their style on my kid.

I know your having a hard time right now. It will get better.

Please don't envy me...the grass is not always greener on this side of the fence :o)

[hawkegirl.livejournal.com]

Keep looking. I really believe you can find a fit with someone who you'll feel good about leaving Evan with (though it may take some trial and error).

Don't be too green... the grass is often not quite that color on the other side.

;)

[zen-thug.livejournal.com]

I recall spending time alone with strangers...who spanked. And kids who bit.

A fighter's life is filled with many such trials and challenges. One day, years from now, he will hit other people with sticks and everything will be alright. ;)

[a-c-fiorucci.livejournal.com]

{{HUGS))

[rtropeano.livejournal.com]

I've been on both sides of the fence. Both are hard. Both can be the best choice, both can be the wrong choice.
I was talking with a group of moms recently who are all having their child become a teen ager this year. We all had wishes that we might have done this or that different. We all had done different things, from the boy who had been in daycare from day one, to the mom who is still home schooling her daughter. We noticed that most of the "popular" kids were ones who had been in daycare from day one, and for the most part their parents were and are good people who care, but were busy with their own lives, both work and social.
We also noted that those "trouble" kids were the ones who parents were just not there at all. Not after school, not at school events,
not at things for their kids at all.
For me, looking back, there is an advantage to being with strangers, even spanking strangers, and even with Toddlers who bite. That is that he is already learning to deal with these things. At some point, you have to let them learn them. I am watching Ariel's homeschooled friend
deal with verbally biting nasty b*t#%y girls in their youth group. Or I should say try, as she has no clue how to do it. Ariel has more of a clue, but Rosemary has even more, and I think that is in part of from learning to deal with it younger.
Is he fine? Is he happy? You are clearly working as hard as you can to do the best for him. Somedays that has to be enough. I hope just the right job comes along and works out for you. I remember back to when Rosemary was in Preschool. She got three black eyes, one right
after the other, all at school, all accidents. One I saw happen as I was on my way in to read at Library time. She came off the slide as another little boy ran past. They ran into each other. I remember how hard it was not to pull her out of school and keep her safe at home. I remember telling the teacher off, because don't you know, If I sent her to school with as many black eyes, Child services would have been after me. I look back now, and think this is why she is better about getting up after a fall and going on.
Ariel still has a tendancy to look for someone to keep her safe, kiss it make it better.
Hope this helps, I know the feeling and know that really nothing helps when you are hurting for your child.

[(Anonymous)]

The transitional time is always the worst. I find that it generally takes 2 - 4 weeks for the child to become completely relaxed in my home.

I think the commenter who suggested that the daycare provider probably will use the same discipline style on your child as her own is correct. The fact that she felt comfortable telling you she'd spanked her child indicates that she saw it as appropriate.

I am on the politically incorrect side of the fence, in that I believe spanking can be one of the tools in the parenting toolbox; however, though I did spank my eldest (now 21) four or five times, by the time my third (almost 14) was born, I no longer used it at all. (All three are lovely, well-behaved, respectful young people!) I've *never* use it with the daycare tots. Not only because I've learned it isn't necessary, but because it puts me at far too great a risk of being accused of abuse. It's not necessary, it's not wise. Why do it? But, like a commenter said, that one issue doesn't make for a bad caregiver.

Can you meet the caregiver? You're not free during the workdays, I know, but can you arrange to meet for coffee one weekend? You'd probably feel much better if you met her, even if just for an hour. How does Josh feel about her? Do you think you could talk to your old caregiver about your concerns?

MaryP